As most quality historians note with regard to Indian Tribes, they did not give “two umgawa”, translated from Indian (the woo-hoo Indians, not the dot Indians) roughly as “two shits” about slavery. They were divided along political lines with the finger butthole contingency siding with the north, and the far larger non-butthole fingerers taking sides with the Confederacy.

Needless to say, the non-butthole fingerers came out on the losing end and were forced to finger their buttholes constantly (both their own and each others) during their resettlements to western areas of the US from 1830 to 1850, also known as the Trail of Tears, so named because of the painful anal bleeding caused by the dry western air combined with forced non-stop butthole fingering for the entire march west. This is also the reason the marches west took so long, as the combination of fingering and bleeding took it’s toll on the speed at which they could travel. When children would refuse to finger their buttholes, their mothers were forced to finger their own buttholes as well as those of their children, bring the whole caravan to a grinding (or in this case fingering) halt. While the prolonged marches are often blamed for the many Indian deaths, true students of American history know that bleeding to death from the constant fingering of the dry butthole was actually the primary cause.

We will discuss what Prohibition was actually prohibiting in the next lesson.

As we learned in an earlier lesson, the Indians, who had sided with the pro-butthole fingering Confederacy were force marched to the West in what later became known as the “Trail of Tears”, so named because as a penalty for siding with the South, they were also forced to finger their (and their children’s) buttholes the entire way. The dry, dusty Western air caused painful anal blistering and bleeding, making the entire journey an unmitigated disaster, with many Injuns either bleeding to death or simply passing out in the heat, their fingers still knuckle deep or (in the case of some who had been lifelong fingerers) even wrist deep in their inflamed sphincters. Most Union Cavalrymen found this quite amusing, but one Military M.D., doctor Ainus Pinkman, thought the entire ordeal stunk to high heaven, both literally and finguratively. 

      Ainus was determined to find relief for the Redskins and after some ghastly experimenting (human decency prevents us from going into more detail) discovered that putting poppy flowers on the digit being used provided both a numbing of the bleeding buttholes as well as a euphoric effect that allowed for longer daily marches. News of the anal relief spread amongst the Injuns like shit thru a goose. Butthole fingering went from being a pain in the ass to an enjoyable all-day fingerathon. Ainus was relieved and overjoyed! 

      However, Ainus’ enthusiasm soon turned foul, as many Indians began to stop marching, instead laying by the trail fingering their buttholes with wild abandon, in what appeared to be a state of Butthole Bliss. Ainus was determined to find a solution to the problem, deciding to experience the effect himself so as to discover a remedy. This proved to be an unmitigated disaster, the poor doctor himself falling into a butthole fingering bonanza of ecstasy. 

        News of the euphoric experience spread to the North, with butthole fingering becoming de rigueur among the upper class. When combined with the poppy flowers, the impact was immediately felt, and some wealthy addicted doctors refined the poppies into Opium, sending what had been an isolated problem into a full blown butthole fingering epidemic. Large rehab centers were built specifically for what the middle and lower classes called “rich assholes”. awards/distinctions, office locations, shareholder reports, whitepapers, media mentions and other pieces of content that don’t fit into a shorter, more succinct space.